August 27, 2019
I had a rough day yesterday. Domi started his master’s program and it is ending up being much more time consuming than we expected. Which means I’m on my own more than usual at work and that was scary. I spent a lot of the day crying. I think I was mostly afraid of feeling lonely and missing him when things got tough or tricky during the day.
I always say the reason I love going to work is because I get to work with him. Today I found out, I am definitely not lying. The job is fun because I share it with the person I love. The job is exciting because we are excited together and then today I went to work and realized that he was going to not be there with me. As he was leaving for school I told him how proud I am of him. I am the proudest a person could possibly be. He works unbelieveably hard. He never even thought he’d get a degree and now he has graduated with an undergraduate degree and has started a master’s program at one of the most prestigious schools in the country and might I add, this is all in his second language. So pride? That doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. But as he started to leave I had a complete and utter meltdown. “I can’t do it. I can’t do it without you. Please don’t go. How am I supposed to do this? I can’t do this alone.” I started sobbing holding on to him like a toddler you’re trying to leave at preschool. I tried to just breathe and keep moving, but it felt next to impossible. He was the one that took on so much of the heavy lifting at work when I didn’t want to. When I couldn’t make one more tough phone call, when I couldn’t answer one more email he was there to shoulder the burden with me and all of the sudden it felt like I was totally alone swimming upstream.
Working at something that I am already frustrated by and is anxiety inducing for me on a good day it felt like someone had pulled the plug on the bathtub before I was ready to get out. I was also so mad at myself. How could I feel this way? Domi is out there getting this degree to make our lives better. To create for the future for us and one day for our kids. He’s busting his booty for our family, so how did I even have a right to feel sad and alone and scared. How could I feel that? I wanted to give him the best first day of school send-off with a cheer and fireworks, instead, I held on to him so tightly because I was afraid of what it would mean for me. I was scared of the change. Heck, I am scared of the change. I don’t know what this new chapter in our lives will look like, but this I do know—I am allowed to feel sad and scared and alone and confused for myself and over the moon excited for everything Domi is going through, too. I also know we chose each other so we shoulder each other’s burdens and celebrate in each other’s wins sometimes simultaneously. At the very least it’s only nine months and we can get through this. (I have a feeling in a few years I’ll be saying the same words about something very different.)
I sat in my car yesterday and ate my lunch and cried (have you ever heard of someone being so dramatic?). Big choking sobs filled my car and then I just sat in the quiet. I thought, I have done things so much harder than this and I will do things much, much harder than this. But changes in my life will never cease. So it was a little like being an infant that’s a little too overwhelmed at the end of the day. I had to just cry and scream and get it out so I could sleep and start the next day fresh. And today will be better. Or maybe it won’t, but whatever it is, I will get through it and I will get to come home and curl up next to my smart, sexy husband and know he is mine and during the day I will find my strength where I didn’t even know it was hiding. I will also call on my tribe to hold me up when my mind becomes a scary place because I know it is better to ask for help than to be a martyr. I have an amazing community uplifting me, why wouldn’t I make use of it?
PS I hope you are having a happy day. I am sending hugs because I think everyone needs some extra hugs today. xo