January 17, 2020
Have you ever driven somewhere and looked up and thought? Oh my god, how did I get here? I’m not talking in a metaphorical way like oh how did I get to this place in my life (although if that comes to mind for you-totally valid and yes, I absolutely meant to be so genius with my metaphors…), but like legit I just drove all the way here and my mind was so busy I literally do not remember driving here? Well, that’s what happened to me yesterday and it’s scary.
I’ve felt so pulled in so many directions lately that I haven’t been able to focus on any one thing or been able to do anything well at all. I’ve never been the most “centered” of people, but usually I at least know how I got where I ended up…
Yesterday, I got to the gym and realized I’d been so distracted I had no really memory of driving there. I went on such autopilot it was scary. I got back in my car after the gym and ran some errands. On my second stop I happened to go to my passenger side door and notice it was completely scraped up and sideswiped.
Most people that are somewhat using their heads would be outraged and upset that someone did this to their car. I, on the other hand, was so concerned that I had been so distracted that I was positive I had hit a car without noticing and drove off. I was so paranoid that I had caused damage to someone else’s car that I furiously drove back to the gym and started checking every white car for damage and my paint color on it. Well, there were one or two cars that maybe could have had my paint color on them, but from the way they were damaged it was nothing my car could’ve done, however, I was so convinced that I had been in my head I took pictures of the cars and their license plates determined to find out whether I had caused the damage. I showed the pictures to domi and my dads and asked repeatedly, “Did I do this? Did I cause this damage?”
The looked and looked and based on the way my car was hit and what happened to these other cars they assured me it was no way it was me.
It took hours for my panic to subside. I was positive I had hit a car without noticing and was also sure that my karma (or car-ma) was screwed for life. I had trouble breathing. My chest was tight and I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that I had caused someone damage-even when it was clear the exact opposite had happened. Someone hit my car and drove away.
This isn’t a story about my car getting hit though. This is a story about the fact that I have been so distracted lately and so not grounded or in my body that I have no idea what I am doing on a daily basis. Because I’m not present I can’t remember whether or not I locked my car, I go back and check it three times. I leave the office and go back once to grab my wallet, a second time for the Advil I promised I would bring Domi and a third time because it’s hard to leave the office when your keys are in your desk drawer.
When I’m distracted there is no part of me that pays attention to the present moment. To what I am doing NOW. This is a problem.
So, I stopped. I sat down and did my breathing exercises. I put on a meditation. And instead of feverishly multitasking I took on one thing at a time. If I’m doing my emails-I’m just doing my emails. If I am editing my book-I have to turn my emails off and edit my book.
We have been trained to believe that being able to multitask is such a beautiful thing. It’s a remarkable trait that some of us are blessed with to be treasured and adored. Well, usually, yes, I am very good at multitasking, but as of late multitasking has made me lose my mind because I am never just doing one thing at a time. Even now, I am walking on the treadmill and typing this on my phone. So, I have a problem. Yes. But it’s not too late to solve it. Multitasking is not my blessing, but my curse. Okay, so, it’s time to do one thing at a time. To put the key in the lock and turn it and be present in that moment so I don’t drive away from our house and think, did I lock the door? If I focus myself and bring all factions of my divided mind together I’m pretty sure I can do some powerful shit. But if I leave myself divided I run ragged. I am distracted. I am not focusing when people are talking to me and I am terrified that I have driven into cars that don’t exist. So it’s time to breathe and focus. To sit down, meditate, know there is always a time to take a breath and connect with the actual earth. Go to yoga and breathe. It’s time to focus on one thing at a time. It doesn’t make me slower it makes me better at everything I do.
Happy Friday friends, breathe and slow down. I’m going to try and see how this goes too. Xoxox CAMDW.