February 28, 2020
I got home last night and flopped down on our sofa. I was exhausted, I was emotionally depleted and I was ready for bed and it was about 7:05pm.
I had a crappy day yesterday, but as I fell asleep I closed my eyes and thought, “it’s okay, tomorrow will be a better day.” So, I laid my head down, with a little smile on my face and all the hope in the world for the next morning.
When our alarm went off this morning it was no surprise to me. I had been lying in bed tossing and turning for over an hour. I was already pissed off and it wasn’t even seven yet. The little voice in my head whined, “but wait, today was supposed to be the better day! And it feels just the same, what the heck man!!” I told myself it was just because I was tired. I trudged downstairs and poured myself a cup of coffee from our coffee machine that has an old-timey gauge like an old-timey gas station to tell you how much coffee is in there—even in the worst of moods that coffee machine makes me smile. I plopped back down on the bed, took my first sip of coffee ready for the caffeine to have a magical effect on my mood.
I finished the whole cup and still…nothing. No change in my mood. I stared at the coffee mug, a little bit aggravated that my usual morning pick-me-up had failed me when I needed it most. So, I turned to my meditation. I put in my headphones and listened to the tinkling music and breathed. Okay, I felt a little better. I took out my journal and wrote down everything I was grateful for. The day didn’t feel so bad anymore, I could feel it turning around. And then I stopped writing and I sat back. Out of the blue, I felt like it was going to take an act of God to get me out of bed. I felt like a cranky, whiny two-year-old.
One of the hardest parts of being an adult is that no one is going to pull you out of bed. You have to do all of the pulling all by yourself. And sometimes that pulling feels like a full-time job. For the first time in a long time, I felt depressed and I didn’t know why. It snuck up on me out of the blue. I was done. Fatigued, sad, lonely, frustrated. There was nothing to turn around my mood. I’d already tried it all. Then the little voice in my head took a tiny little break for a moment and at that moment I decided I was at least strong enough to pull myself out of bed and to put myself in the shower. So I did.Just as my shower was ending I turned the handle all the way to cold and stood under the icy water. (This is part of the Wim Hof technique…google it, he’s a genius). And while the cold felt like it might freeze my skin off, I got out of the shower and felt like a new person. Somehow the cold water accessed something within my body and it got me going.
I was ready for the day. Problem solved. Everything was going to be easy.
And then about ten minutes passed and the coolness in my veins wore off. I sat down on the edge of our bed and started to cry. It all felt too hard again. I was just not feeling it today.But I didn’t stay in my bed. I got myself out of the house and to work. I booked a dance class for the evening. I planned things for the weekend that sounded like fun. I found ways to keep myself moving. I found things to look forward to.
Not every day can be beautiful and perfect and wonderful. Not every day can we want to grow and be a better version of ourselves. Sometimes we just might want to be the whiny, complain-y version of ourselves and that’s okay. In fact, we may have MANY of these days and I am not here to tell you that every day should rainbows and butterflies or that self-growth and care is easy. I am here to try and find joy amongst the icky-ness. I am working on being okay with the crappy day, making my peace with it and knowing it’s just a part of life, however, I am determined to find a way to keep us moving through, not skipping over, the icky days.
If today is an icky day for you too, I hear you. You got this though. And I hope tomorrow will be better, and if it’s not? Guess what you will still make it through because you are strong and amazing and I believe in you.
Happy weekend friends, plan something fun, seek out something great because you are greatness yourself. XOXOX CAMDW
PS I wrote this yesterday…I woke up today and everything felt do-able again. The world felt like a kinder place. My tea and coffee (and allergy medicine) made everything feel better and today it was easy to get up. So, look, I had two s&%^ days in a row–not so bad. I’m proof that it passes….I’ve also had stretches of time that felt all the ickiness for so much longer than two days, much closer to months, so if you feel like you’ve had a lifetime of this, don’t fret, you will work your way to the other side, just please, please, please don’t stop trying to find the good and don’t stop getting out of bed. I’m here if you need me.